I cant help but I have been crying for a week now .. since he told me that the apology that I wanted will only happen NEXT YEAR !!

He is the most useless man I've ever come across.. At least, Charles and I had a closure. At least he was able to clarify things with me with HONESTY AND INTEGRITY. Not like this laoya Leaf Man ... gimme lame excuses.. shitty stories in which none are true at all ...

I tot I was strong. Buidling this thick imaginary wall around me so that I wont fall in love easily and wont trust easily as well.. But ya la ... is I AM LAO YA ... maybe being single and working too hard in 2009 caused me to be lonely and needed a companion.

Well.. ya .. whole of 2009, I was emotionless even though I was having a few proposals .. Till he appeared in Jan of 2010 ... We didnt know that things will developed and become so complicated. Somehow .. I dun trust him in the beginning .. but eventually he managed to knock down that concrete wall of trust issue I built. Same case like Charles, just as when I wanted to make improvements and make changes for the better ... I AM BEING DUMPED..

At least Charles was apologetic and we managed to have an hour of closure ... before we finally parted our ways and he was never to be heard of again.

But I dun understand why the seraphim has to wait till next year before he can give me a proper closure .. This is so unfair.. I am being hanged and lingered upon the mistakes that I've made. Did I try too hard or am I just that useless and never good enough?

Daniel and I had a closure too ... Therefore, till now sometimes we still sms each other when we wanted a listening ear.

Night after night, I intoxicate myself till there is no tmr. Cry like I've never done before. And yet again I asked, where is the Shynna that I've always wanted to be? Do I wana let Eunice take over me again ?? Working hard, online writing, forming a band.. that is the Shynna for the whole of 2009 ... then what happen?? Why is Eunice making a come back after June 2010 ....

Just cos of a useless seraphim ? Just cos of someone who doesnt care, Eunice has to take over? NO WAY ... but ... yet again .. i cant control ... the hot tears .. the feelings, the thoughts and the emotions .. cos i am being left hanged.

I find it hard to breathe.. as every breathe I take brings spasms of pain thru my soul .. the betrayal that I did to myself .. I let myself down in every aspect. When he came in ... yet again I tried throwing the gothic culture ... the jamming sessions and even stop waitressing for some reason he told me he does not like the idea of me having to entertain Men during wkends even if its juz a waitress basis...

I let him took control of every aspect of me.. even the expectations of forming Lucid Dreams and going for bay beats, vocal practice and keyboard lessons all held aback ... or shud i say all given up just because of one command that came from him - The Great Seraphim

Argh ... y am i so hopeless??

Mum suggested I go back to see BHM Esther if i cant take it. but i dun wan ... i dun wana be treated like an animal when im there .... no no ...

PLEASE HELP ME ........

im in pain ... so much pain ... bleeding inside n out ... up n down ....

This is the 2nd episode ...

Well, if i am not being born to be loved or to love... i'd rather be feared than love ... Fear me. obey me .....

Im in so much pain till breathing hurts ... i can only sit n cry.. can only dowse myslef nuts with beer beer and more beer ... and doing the paradoxical ....

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Don't Hate me for no Reason

Don't Judge me by my Appearance

LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM

SHYNNA HAS A HEART

I don't live to please people