8/17/2010 11:51:00 am | Tuesday 17 August 2010
~=+Self Reflection - Day 2,3 and 4+=~
is day 2 of self reflection and I broke the ICE ... ~ YESH ~ ...
Sibei laoya ... dunno what I'm doing ... perhaps its too daunting. He is everywhere... in my mind, in my sleep... argh ~ Shyn is sibei lao ya !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well well well.... life's little ironies are the happenings that make you think. and somehow I got related to HELLO KITTY instead... LOLss ... dunno y but ya.. somehow I got linked to hello kitty when i think of everything. Like what Feron say, shyn has got a Catty face ...oways call me cat face shynna ...
Many ppl do not understand why hello kitty has no mouth. Hmm ~ me, being an avid fan, i knw. Yuko Yamaguchi is the 3rd designer of hello kitty and she still is till this very day. She created kitty with no mouth because, Kitty is out to suit every one.
Well, what do i mean? I mean, kitty can be any expression u want her to be just by simply adding a "mouth of ur own choice". Still dun get it? Ok .. here are a few i created on my own, take a look - - - -
Hehehe ~
As the saying goes "curiosity killed the cat"
Yeah ... have to agree at some point that i am always full of curiosity and that often got me into many deep shit and trouble. And also these shit that made me learn a lesson each time i stumble.
And another saying goes "don't let the cat out of the bag" - meaning don't tell others of a seceret you upkeep. Well, ya.. i hold many keys to alot of people's minds and it takes me to die along with it, not leaking a single word. Its all buried deep within my thoughts.
And yet another mythological believe - cat has 9 lives. And therefore, shynna wont die at this moment... it will take my curiosity to find out more and upkeep more secrets and also stumble more to learn more before i die ..
Buahaha ~ therefore I am shyn the cat who loves hello kitty so muchie muchie ~~
I can be anything you want me to be. Happy shyn, angry shyn. Just at one command, I can be good, sweet ... at the same time, bad and evil.
But that does not mean you can easily manupilate my thoughts. I am not a "hear say" person. It will take me time to observe, think, digest and reflect before I react...
However ... lao ya shyn is now randered in a helpless situation ... buahaha ...
Yeah yyeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ~~ I am rather confuse at this point that is why i am remain stagnent at where i am at this moment. Not slipping away, neither rising ... Just still ....
thinking and planning out my next step .... Life's little ironies .. Hmm !
can reli burn me down sometimes ... maybe like what i oways say ... Shynna is up for adoption!! i need an owner ... need guidence... argh ~ lao ya lao ya lao ya ~~
the ever determine me is now bury deep within my thoughts... I can be a prowless tigeress deep in the woods, ever hunting, ever searching just to feed my own pack .. but at times ... I am very tired ...
I wish to be in a zoo, even a circus ... need a zoo keeper or ring master just to tame me... sick n tired of making decisions all the time ... argh ~~ where is the person that can deserve my loyalness and let me be tame kitty ??? I am just someone who does not wana be do dominant.
~=+Shynna is confused and needs an owner to tame the cat+=~
8/13/2010 07:38:00 pm | Friday 13 August 2010
~=+ Self Reflection - DAY 1 +=~
Life .. - everyone came here for a reason. Be it gd or bad. Everyone came here to either suffer or enjoy.. but behind every enjoyment, there are bound to be hardships that everyone must face b4 they finally gain the knowledge to reach their goals and achieve their dreams.
When I was much younger, i dun understand y mum n dad are always fighting. I dun understand y mum was always nagging ... y she had to drink herself dead drunk, at times even vent her anger on me. Being the eldest in the family, all i knw is - she is my mum n no matter wad happens i have to be there for her.
Dad was a drunkard and still is till this very day. although i can see that he had mend his ways better. Gamble a lil lesser and try to mind his own biz frm this family. Still, he is my dad and i too, have to be there for him in times of need.
When i was much younger, i made mistakes which causes mum to chase me out of the hse and even change the house lock in an instant of only the next day. During those moments, i reli hated her and even qns her if i am her real daughter ... but, end of the day, i thank her for chasing me out and so called "ill-treating" me .. cos .. if she dun do so, today, i might still be that good for nothing ah lian i used to be ... the good for nothing junkie the will rot in this cruel and ugly world.
For 7yrs i fight for her forgiveness.. and her acceptance for me to come home. In order to be able to live in the comfort of this hse, there are changes and sacrifices to be made. I reli thank my mum for treating me this way .. if not i wont be who i am today and wont be where i am either.. so ... no matter what happens, i cant fall. she needs me ... my princess needs me too .....
I still rmb, there was once, mum n dad had a bad fight. And in between her tears, she told daddy that " as a woman, even if her virginal become rotten just cos she become a prostitute to uphold and upkeep the income of this household, she oso dun care. not even scared ppl laugh, cos she uses the money for the sake of bringing up her children n holding this hse tgt"
When i grew up, in between my tears n in a midst of a fury fight with my ex hubby, i told my ex-hubby the same thing. "I sell myself n not scared ppl laugh at me or look down on me. I do it cos i got a gd for nothing hubby n my daughter n this hse need the income."
Ironic.. mum's words may have been imprinted too deeply within my memory. So long i did not con or cheat or steal, i am earning an income, not for the sake of vanity or selfishness of myself .. i dun care n go all out.
Being the eldest in this family - i bear the whole responsibility on me. i dun wan mum to be sad again cos of fundamental issues... i just know that, whatever i do, wherever i go, i stand firm and i dun HURT PPL in any sense ...
This family needs me.
~=+ Shynna Kenot Fall +=~
8/07/2010 07:46:00 pm | Saturday 7 August 2010
~=+ Break up .. Break Down Part II +=~
Ya la ya la ... I am so laoya I let it happen again la .... if you all have been following .. shud knw what happened after the frenzy of Charles
~=+Break up DEN BREAK DOWN+=~
I cant help but I have been crying for a week now .. since he told me that the apology that I wanted will only happen NEXT YEAR !!
He is the most useless man I've ever come across.. At least, Charles and I had a closure. At least he was able to clarify things with me with HONESTY AND INTEGRITY. Not like this laoya Leaf Man ... gimme lame excuses.. shitty stories in which none are true at all ...
I tot I was strong. Buidling this thick imaginary wall around me so that I wont fall in love easily and wont trust easily as well.. But ya la ... is I AM LAO YA ... maybe being single and working too hard in 2009 caused me to be lonely and needed a companion.
Well.. ya .. whole of 2009, I was emotionless even though I was having a few proposals .. Till he appeared in Jan of 2010 ... We didnt know that things will developed and become so complicated. Somehow .. I dun trust him in the beginning .. but eventually he managed to knock down that concrete wall of trust issue I built. Same case like Charles, just as when I wanted to make improvements and make changes for the better ... I AM BEING DUMPED..
At least Charles was apologetic and we managed to have an hour of closure ... before we finally parted our ways and he was never to be heard of again.
But I dun understand why the seraphim has to wait till next year before he can give me a proper closure .. This is so unfair.. I am being hanged and lingered upon the mistakes that I've made. Did I try too hard or am I just that useless and never good enough?
Daniel and I had a closure too ... Therefore, till now sometimes we still sms each other when we wanted a listening ear.
Night after night, I intoxicate myself till there is no tmr. Cry like I've never done before. And yet again I asked, where is the Shynna that I've always wanted to be? Do I wana let Eunice take over me again ?? Working hard, online writing, forming a band.. that is the Shynna for the whole of 2009 ... then what happen?? Why is Eunice making a come back after June 2010 ....
Just cos of a useless seraphim ? Just cos of someone who doesnt care, Eunice has to take over? NO WAY ... but ... yet again .. i cant control ... the hot tears .. the feelings, the thoughts and the emotions .. cos i am being left hanged.
I find it hard to breathe.. as every breathe I take brings spasms of pain thru my soul .. the betrayal that I did to myself .. I let myself down in every aspect. When he came in ... yet again I tried throwing the gothic culture ... the jamming sessions and even stop waitressing for some reason he told me he does not like the idea of me having to entertain Men during wkends even if its juz a waitress basis...
I let him took control of every aspect of me.. even the expectations of forming Lucid Dreams and going for bay beats, vocal practice and keyboard lessons all held aback ... or shud i say all given up just because of one command that came from him - The Great Seraphim
Argh ... y am i so hopeless??
Mum suggested I go back to see BHM Esther if i cant take it. but i dun wan ... i dun wana be treated like an animal when im there .... no no ...
PLEASE HELP ME ........
im in pain ... so much pain ... bleeding inside n out ... up n down ....
This is the 2nd episode ...
Well, if i am not being born to be loved or to love... i'd rather be feared than love ... Fear me. obey me .....
Im in so much pain till breathing hurts ... i can only sit n cry.. can only dowse myslef nuts with beer beer and more beer ... and doing the paradoxical ....
~=+Shynna is in so much pain+=~
