I have not been feeling really great for these few weeks. Its been like close to 2 months ... and the feeling of unworthy-ness and unjustifiable explanations still lingers.

My life is just like a roller coaster ride. I mean, who's life isn't? Ultimately, these ups and downs are the parts and parcels of life where one will learn and eventually grow up to be a better person. Perhaps even build a goal, an aim in life that makes life worth living for.

I was ever at the peak before. Teaching tuition and co-ordinate various classes.. even started Trust Tuition Agency sole handedly .. Until, I became soft hearted and let someone join in my business venture and that person ran away with part of the funds ... +POOF+ Trust Tuition was gone in just one night.

Vincent then asked me to venture in Push carts, selling gifts like hair clips, pouches, hello kitty stuff. From 1, expanded till 3.. till I was accused by his dumb wife as his mistress ... I took back my investments and went back to education line. - Part time tutor.

I joined various companies doing retail sales, even Anna Sui as their Beauty Consultant and Road Show Consultant.. Learnt a whole great deal about buying and selling. Joined various companies dealing with administrative job scopes, basic HR, import and export paper work....

hmm~ somehow ... after so many years, I am still where I am. Earning a small some, just enough to survive.

These few weeks I have been doing alot of self reflection. Having alot of flash back memories of the past. Then I begin to ask myself, What is the definition to the word - Fair - ?

The first thing that came to my mind was my broken marriage. My whole 10years in the past with a monster whom abused me and had not been working for 7years. And now that he had found a job as an operations manager, we are divorced and no longer have any ties with each other ... isit fair ?

After Daniel and I went on separate ways, I got myself a job as a waitress in boat quay. And somehow met Charles. We were together for a while. There were times he pissed me off and vice versa, apparently, this is how all relationships are suppose to be.. We had a little quarrels and made up shortly after.

There were times he told me that he did not like my Gothic lifestyle, my Gothic interest in music and culture. He tried many times to change me in a "pinky" and "princessy" gal ...
Eventually, ya, I changed. Tried to accept having a normal life and even tried to mix with crowds.

However, I really did not know what was the mistake I made.. After putting in so much effort to be what he wanted me to be.. he wanted a break off as he felt that he wanted to reconcile with his ex-gf... WTF .. what an excuse ..

So .. Is this fair?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After all the roller coaster rides of broken relationships, I was admitted into IMH .. Warded for weeks.

And finally, I decided to stand up so that I can be fair to myself, my daughter, my family and especially my mum. I have broke her heart so many times. Being a notorious teen, going into girls' home and drop out of studies when I got pregnant at the age of 18.


I begin to love them and cherish them more. These ppl whom care n love me sincerely..

I slog, working as an accounts admin in the day, writing for online e-mags and even worked at night as a part time waitress in a few pubs. All I wanted was just a peaceful life. A life where I can be able to provide for my daughter and mum..

Through out 2009 was nothing but work.. pointless drinking sessions on wkends juz to drown off all the sadness, being jovial just to hide all the unhappiness. Moving on with my life as time is forever moving forward and wait for no one.

I even made an oath not to fall in love again. Formed a band, go for jamming sessions, all I ever wanted is to be fair to myself. Do things that I enjoy doing, catching up what I have lost out when I chosen the destiny to get married and upon divorce. Be nice to everyone even though I've got a trust issue.

Then .... 2010 ....

A Seraphim flew into my life. He managed to gain my trust and broke down the wall I built to so called "protect" myself. Although I knw that he has to return to the divine one day, but still.... I fall for him. Seeing his sincerity and concern for me ..

Night after night for 6months, the Seraphim came to me, Surprised me with night outs, brought me to my very 1st prawning trip.. go J.B for supper and those times spent at the beach. Just listening to the waves and watching the night sky... I just wanted a companion, I don't need status. I just enjoyed being by his side, looking forward to each night he would spread his wings and fly to me ....

He too wanted me to change. Like Charles, he do not understand the culture of being a Goth and my fear of having to face humans and go to crowded places. Nevertheless, I tried. Just because I felt safe with him.. and the affection that he had shown to me.

Then came a time where he needed to go on a mission. I had to endure a week of not seeing him. We promised each other to do our own reflection because we both know that Seraphims have to return to the divine one day.

For my side, my reflection was:
1) be more positive towards life
2) trust the Seraphim more
3) be by his side whenever he needed me so that he wont feel so down.
4) Try to face crowds, throw less tantrums and not give him so much pressure.

Then .....

its yet again the issue of being fair....

The Seraphim's reflection was:
1) he feels that he is tying me down
2) to be FAIR, i should not be with a Seraphim but perhaps look for another Goth
3) he is facing too much problems and he does not want to burden me further.

So as the story goes ... Goodbye Seraphim. He din even return to the divine but he ditched me and went to do his own doings.

Fair?

what have I done wrong?

Daniel asked for chances, I gave him 10yrs of chances..

Charles asked for chances, I gave him 1yr plus of chances ...

The Seraphim asked for chances too ... many times in fact .. and .. I too ... gave him chances even knowing the fact that he belongs to the divine ...

But ...

Why is it whenever I try to change for the better, things begin to fall and crumble? Why isit whenever I try to make improvement to be someone and something that I am not that the other party had to leave ?????

Define Fair ....


This Hello Kitty is the only memory left behind by the Seraphim .....

Can anyone tell me ... What have I done wrong? By making improvements and being what he wants me to be ... isit wrong ? Why is there no chances given ??


~=+Shynna feels unjustified+=~


Surrealistic Shynna