8/13/2010 07:38:00 pm | Friday 13 August 2010
~=+ Self Reflection - DAY 1 +=~
Life .. - everyone came here for a reason. Be it gd or bad. Everyone came here to either suffer or enjoy.. but behind every enjoyment, there are bound to be hardships that everyone must face b4 they finally gain the knowledge to reach their goals and achieve their dreams.
When I was much younger, i dun understand y mum n dad are always fighting. I dun understand y mum was always nagging ... y she had to drink herself dead drunk, at times even vent her anger on me. Being the eldest in the family, all i knw is - she is my mum n no matter wad happens i have to be there for her.
Dad was a drunkard and still is till this very day. although i can see that he had mend his ways better. Gamble a lil lesser and try to mind his own biz frm this family. Still, he is my dad and i too, have to be there for him in times of need.
When i was much younger, i made mistakes which causes mum to chase me out of the hse and even change the house lock in an instant of only the next day. During those moments, i reli hated her and even qns her if i am her real daughter ... but, end of the day, i thank her for chasing me out and so called "ill-treating" me .. cos .. if she dun do so, today, i might still be that good for nothing ah lian i used to be ... the good for nothing junkie the will rot in this cruel and ugly world.
For 7yrs i fight for her forgiveness.. and her acceptance for me to come home. In order to be able to live in the comfort of this hse, there are changes and sacrifices to be made. I reli thank my mum for treating me this way .. if not i wont be who i am today and wont be where i am either.. so ... no matter what happens, i cant fall. she needs me ... my princess needs me too .....
I still rmb, there was once, mum n dad had a bad fight. And in between her tears, she told daddy that " as a woman, even if her virginal become rotten just cos she become a prostitute to uphold and upkeep the income of this household, she oso dun care. not even scared ppl laugh, cos she uses the money for the sake of bringing up her children n holding this hse tgt"
When i grew up, in between my tears n in a midst of a fury fight with my ex hubby, i told my ex-hubby the same thing. "I sell myself n not scared ppl laugh at me or look down on me. I do it cos i got a gd for nothing hubby n my daughter n this hse need the income."
Ironic.. mum's words may have been imprinted too deeply within my memory. So long i did not con or cheat or steal, i am earning an income, not for the sake of vanity or selfishness of myself .. i dun care n go all out.
Being the eldest in this family - i bear the whole responsibility on me. i dun wan mum to be sad again cos of fundamental issues... i just know that, whatever i do, wherever i go, i stand firm and i dun HURT PPL in any sense ...
This family needs me.
~=+ Shynna Kenot Fall +=~
