5/18/2008 06:54:00 pm | Sunday, 18 May 2008
~=+ Surreal +=~
Surrealism - the direct opposite of realism
its one of my favourite art movements of all. its a dreamy realm where all things are nothing but hallucination. Or should i say its all sheer disorientation?
A best fren once told me: "who doesn't like dreaming? i too love to dream. but dis world does not allow me to dream. somehow, i have to come back to reality, where everything is cruel."
Me:"Agree. i too love to dream. but i am not as realistic as you are... maybe i dun see things the way u do."
She: "of cos. i.ve been working in dis society so many years. seen so many, learnt so many. see till scared. see till sians. you trust ppl too easily. told u so many times. dun be lydat. learn to specualte and account on things before making any major decisions, u oways never listen. den when things happen, u den emo. for wat?"
Me: "i am lost... enuff of ya lecture."
***************************************************************
I feel insensate recently and i have been trying to figure out de reason why.
maybe its cos of my new r/s.
i find that is kinda hard to get to know someone all over again. and partly is cos i have to change some habits of mine.
i hope that i am able to cope and overcome all these changes. my fren thinks that i am de same old me. but i dun agree with that. now a days i reli dun join in conversations that dun concern me at all.
maybe cos i feel that i know nothing and am completly oblivious to this cruel world at all. and also i have been living in my surreal realms for so long... zzz
i wana step out. i wana courageously face this ugly world.
but....
having come from an "addams family" i am a lil morbit. most times illogical over many circumstances. many a times i am being left all alone to figure between rights from wrongs and ofently chosen de wrong ans. and nevertheless, got punished for going de wrong way.
my life has never been very *lala* in fact it has always been very dramatic and landing me in very knotty situations. ppl in my household are all distant.
so...
how courageous can i get??
After all these years of being stagnent, i have lost all confidence in doing anything.
lack of communication ability
lack of dressng sense
lack of comprehension towards MANY MANY MANY things.
i feel so lost and phase out by the ever changing and cruel world.
Now i try to dress normally, talk normally, eat normally, sleep normally.
all i can do is try to adapt to everything. and i wonder if all this is worthwhile?
i am having doubt because i have been a failure in an 8yrs r/s. i dun wan my new r/s to fail again.
on the surface everything is all fine. i try not to emo so much and take things a step at the time. try to understand, yeild, weigh, ponder and speculate each and every single situation properly and precisely before i take my step. i dun wana stumble again.
i dun wana make changes to my lifestlye to fit someone once again den at the end of the day i return back to square one with nothing left to start of with....
from typical ah lian to a home maker to a tutor to a MAD WOMAN... now wat next???? ---- Girl Next Door?? Sweet Shynna??? OMG....
should i try to be open or remain as morbit as i am?
fren say i should start learning to socialize. its still not too late to start now. try going out to de society to work for a change, mix around more and i will slowly see this world better...
maybe i should...
maybe i would...
maybe i ...
i think i juz need a breather. i am trying to be normal. i am trying to fit in. and when that day rely comes and i declare that i am throwing away visual kei.... i think ... that will be de day i start eating pork, drinking soya milk and wearing jeans and tube top for a total change....
geez... and some of the things i am oredi doing now....
T.T
~=+Shynna needs Time+=~
