2/27/2008 02:52:00 am | Wednesday 27 February 2008
SImple Sorrows Emptiness .. ((and who is creature?))
Its an irony that at most times, the person you cherished most oftenly turn out to be the person that treats you the most badly. Recently some things had happened to me, and sadly this is the 4th night that I cant sleep neither eat. I keep asking myself, what is the thing that i really want most in my life? Obviosly, the answer is --- Simplicity. And usually, simplicity is never in my life at all. Not even once was anything simple......
Here I am sitted, heaving on my cigarette, having flash backs of the past, imagining the future and suffering the present. I tried and am still trying to get back the peace in my mind, but, still.... my mind drifts to nothing at all. The past was not at all pleasant. The future, oways have been black in my imaginations and the present?? As painful as oways i shud say. We r heaven's voodoo dollys. We are oways at Its mercy. When we are lucky, we thank the Heavens and thier supreme beings, and when things dun go the right way, we turn to the heavens asking for protection and help. As all man kind walks this Earth, watever they like to implant in us, there is no way we can escape. When It wans us to b unlucky, It will jab pins into us, let us endure pain and learn things the hard way. And if we are at their mercy, it will remove some of the pins on us. Hmm..... im now starting to count the pins It had pinned onto me.... wonder when will It feel that they will b remove........
Or am i bound to be like this till the day I die? For all these 4days of totally no sleep, i feel energetic. i've been creating dollys again. Drawing and coloring them pain stakingly. These dolls are my creations inspired the pain that i've accumulated all these years. My family thinks that i;m a lunatic. some frens think that i'm too stubborn and should juz put up with everything. And this is where i wana tell them, izit wrong to be myself and not be stereotypical? i juz wana make a difference... although i knw that this path that i chosen is not an easy road, but in the down road, i juz feel that i will make a difference. 
<<< ------ these are the eyes that I see with. These very eyes see this world in another way different from most people. I oways tell myself that i wont gif up. But i guess there are certain things i juz nid to let go of. i learn to close both eyes and live this life blindly. nothing questionable, no controvesy in anything. Work hard, go home, play online games, chat with frens on msn... and my life is almost complete. --->>>>> is this the so called simplicity i;m ever searching for? maybe it is.... and at the end of simplicity comes complications. i have to find out so many things on my own. Sadly, i endure, having cried and not eaten all dis days.. i think my eating disorder might stike me again, but i dun care anymore. though frens may say they care, but the person whom i cared abt most has not given me a single damn. he has the heart to go to slp knwing that i am painfully swallowing his shit.. so, what is there to live for?
<<< ------ these are the eyes that I see with. These very eyes see this world in another way different from most people. I oways tell myself that i wont gif up. But i guess there are certain things i juz nid to let go of. i learn to close both eyes and live this life blindly. nothing questionable, no controvesy in anything. Work hard, go home, play online games, chat with frens on msn... and my life is almost complete. --->>>>> is this the so called simplicity i;m ever searching for? maybe it is.... and at the end of simplicity comes complications. i have to find out so many things on my own. Sadly, i endure, having cried and not eaten all dis days.. i think my eating disorder might stike me again, but i dun care anymore. though frens may say they care, but the person whom i cared abt most has not given me a single damn. he has the heart to go to slp knwing that i am painfully swallowing his shit.. so, what is there to live for?Then certain frens will come and say "hey, its time u go to the creature. tell him how you feel" i did think of that too.. and yeah we've been closely connected recently on the msn. Its like it too me a lil too long to hav the courage to face him. i am a person with a weak heart. and facing him makes my heart race. We chatted for hours, abt anything and everything. Mostly abt general stuff, jokes...... and as im bloggin now i think of him, makes me smile..... still, i can only treat him as my fren. i juz dun wana cross the line and end of the day, the frenship is no more. i'll hv one less person to tok to if dis happens and.. and.. i dun hv much ppl to talk wit too... frens i have many but close ones only 2..... so ..... i guess remaining this way is better. at least, we r frens, and at least i feel pampered at the same time. i suppose i am contented this way.
WHO IS THE CREATURE????? NOPE .... not now.... juz not now...... in time you all will knw
