Its an irony that at most times, the person you cherished most oftenly turn out to be the person that treats you the most badly. Recently some things had happened to me, and sadly this is the 4th night that I cant sleep neither eat. I keep asking myself, what is the thing that i really want most in my life? Obviosly, the answer is --- Simplicity. And usually, simplicity is never in my life at all. Not even once was anything simple...... Here I am sitted, heaving on my cigarette, having flash backs of the past, imagining the future and suffering the present. I tried and am still trying to get back the peace in my mind, but, still.... my mind drifts to nothing at all. The past was not at all pleasant. The future, oways have been black in my imaginations and the present?? As painful as oways i shud say. We r heaven's voodoo dollys. We are oways at Its mercy. When we are lucky, we thank the Heavens and thier supreme beings, and when things dun go the right way, we turn to the heavens asking for protection and help. As all man kind walks this Earth, watever they like to implant in us, there is no way we can escape. When It wans us to b unlucky, It will jab pins into us, let us endure pain and learn things the hard way. And if we are at their mercy, it will remove some of the pins on us. Hmm..... im now starting to count the pins It had pinned onto me.... wonder when will It feel that they will b remove........Or am i bound to be like this till the day I die?

For all these 4days of totally no sleep, i feel energetic. i've been creating dollys again. Drawing and coloring them pain stakingly. These dolls are my creations inspired the pain that i've accumulated all these years. My family thinks that i;m a lunatic. some frens think that i'm too stubborn and should juz put up with everything. And this is where i wana tell them, izit wrong to be myself and not be stereotypical? i juz wana make a difference... although i knw that this path that i chosen is not an easy road, but in the down road, i juz feel that i will make a difference. <<< ------ these are the eyes that I see with. These very eyes see this world in another way different from most people. I oways tell myself that i wont gif up. But i guess there are certain things i juz nid to let go of. i learn to close both eyes and live this life blindly. nothing questionable, no controvesy in anything. Work hard, go home, play online games, chat with frens on msn... and my life is almost complete. --->>>>> is this the so called simplicity i;m ever searching for? maybe it is.... and at the end of simplicity comes complications. i have to find out so many things on my own. Sadly, i endure, having cried and not eaten all dis days.. i think my eating disorder might stike me again, but i dun care anymore. though frens may say they care, but the person whom i cared abt most has not given me a single damn. he has the heart to go to slp knwing that i am painfully swallowing his shit.. so, what is there to live for?

Then certain frens will come and say "hey, its time u go to the creature. tell him how you feel" i did think of that too.. and yeah we've been closely connected recently on the msn. Its like it too me a lil too long to hav the courage to face him. i am a person with a weak heart. and facing him makes my heart race. We chatted for hours, abt anything and everything. Mostly abt general stuff, jokes...... and as im bloggin now i think of him, makes me smile..... still, i can only treat him as my fren. i juz dun wana cross the line and end of the day, the frenship is no more. i'll hv one less person to tok to if dis happens and.. and.. i dun hv much ppl to talk wit too... frens i have many but close ones only 2..... so ..... i guess remaining this way is better. at least, we r frens, and at least i feel pampered at the same time. i suppose i am contented this way.

WHO IS THE CREATURE????? NOPE .... not now.... juz not now...... in time you all will knw

I let my mind drift amongst the mist. Drift till i came to a clear blank. All is white and i don't knw what or where the answers lie anymore. 8 long years, what hv i achieve? Year after years of disappointment, time after time of being pushed into de pit. I feel numb all over.

I keep on asking myself, is it really worth de effort of waiting for him to change his ways? or, am i juz plan dumb to act that nothing was happening and all is fine. I cant gif a definate answer to anyone including myself. Ppl oways tell me that there are better choices out there, i'm young n dynamic, i can oways get a better creature. Y kip a useless creature wit me? When i myself am rather, in a sense rather certain that i hav another creature in my mind.. (LOL... i still not tell who is this new creature cos i dun wana land myself in a predicament.)

Well, i as i sit here all alone, I am reminded of those times when i lost it. Those times when i sit all alone n cut myself up with a razor. Izit worth de pain? At least, to me, the pain feels much better than de agony in my heart.

Nevertheless, I was browsing thru my frenster juz now. My fingers got itchy n i decide to type in the name RACINE, tick de country Malaysia. and..... BINGO, there it is!!!!!!!!!! OMG... the 4th user!!!! so i clicked on her profile n mail her how i feel abt the whole scenario. Am i childish? well, its only a 2D game. What i'm upset is not cos they r a couple in a game, but i am upset abt de cash items being bought for her. My family is not well to do and all those cash can mean alot to help with my hsehold. School fees for my daughter, food, transport.... I hope ppl understand that i am not petty over them being couple in the game but the fact that there was real money involve in this whole thing. RACINE, if u so happen to see this blog, i dun hate you. i juz feel sad that he actually spends money on you then on my daughter and me. and my feelings are being hurt by this whole scenario. IF you do happen to login, I'm Shynna80. we can still be frens. and i understand that you are jus a 18yr old small gal who is still studying.

I wish u all de best in ya studies RACINE, dun get decepted by this 30yrs old uncle anymore. Dun take frm him anymore cash items. Thanks so much.

Boy: I love you, with all my heart.

Gal: Promise me that 10yrs later, u will b here.

<<10yrs>>

Boy: Where are you?

<>

Gal: Do you remember me?

The war never ended till both of them grew old and haggared. Gal looked at Boy deeply into his eyes juz like the way she did the 1st time they met.

Gal: Will you forgive me?

Boy: Why should I? And will you forgive me then, for this war?

Gal: If you do not forgive me, i shall never forgive you too.

The war started all over again. day n night till the day they both grew old. lonely with only each other, they then realised that this whole episode was nothing but nonsense. If Gal had not such a wild nature, she would not hv hurt Boy. And if Boy had forgiven her after the war, they would not suffer such a cruel ending.....

They looked at each other lovingly again and asked each other, do they still have a chance to reconcile? they both thought for a moment and decided to go on seperate ways. By then they were already lonely souls whom roam the Earth, having only the emtiness to accompany them in the nites and the sorrow which follow them all the way to their graves..

Love Hard

Be honest.

Cherish the one you love and be honest n truthful to them

<<<--- in this screen shot, all of us are pretty happy. hahaha maybe it was taken during the CNY season.

ok lets see, hmmm .... i;ve joined moments for sometime now and i find that the ppl there are very frenly and nice. we help each other with leveling and also most of the times, we crap on9. the 1st person to recruit me to moments was manga. we knew each other when both of us were still noobs lvling in kerning subway. its been 2yrs now... tiko manga is no longer wit us. he seem happy over at oracle surrounded by all de lengluis... hahaha...

next, is that i hv come pretty close wit mapdragon our NOOB DK GM, and also kit and swai. sometimes we even tok abt our personal problems and help each other out.

life in The Moments are always so unforgetable. each time after a day of hard labour, i oways look forward to meeting my guildmates juz to chat. its not abt the game play, its about the ppl i meet there. the happiness and sadness, and the frustration of hving to sit in front of the comp for long hours jz to get 1 single lvl up are all shared bt all the wonderful members when we train together.

although my life in maple has many sad things tt happen. it 1st started wit kryssapphire... i tot it wud end... den comes morningstars... in which was all a misunderstanding. then when i was browsing thru the SS taken for the moments, i saw tachi22 n racine are de actual couple... i deleted all de screen shots of the DOGGY COUPLE n chased tachi22 up frm bed n out of the house... I AM SERIOUS... cos i damn angry tt he cant kip his promise all the time not to flirt wit other gals in maple.... okok

back to the moments... we like to meet up in FM to do silly things. hehehe let me show u some of the silly things tt some of the members have been doing in FM.

<<<---- see? hahha cute rite?

<<<---- they r oways up to silly things!!!

i have many SS maybe the next time i will shw, not now.. hee^^

overall i wana end wit that i never regretted joining the moments and i will not leave the moments unless CAO JI BAI MAPPIE KICK ME... lol.. THE MOMENTS MAPLESEA CASSEOPIA.... hmm its like having knwn all this ppl for a very long time, although we have never meet face to face, but it seems like we have knwn forever. the frenship that we bond is strong and i hope that it will not end here. and dun juz treat it as game play but as a place where our frenship began as a seed and blossom into a plant which later bore many fruits.